And remember the times when I used to get INSANNNELY Happy and jump right here and tell you all about it? About the random stupid stuff that used to happen in my life? No? uh- oh. Bezzti.

And then, remmmber how I stepped into a phase where I used to blog about everything, EVERYTHING depressing and negative? Yes? Chalo shukar.

So ladies and gentlemen,
For all those who are now getting bored of my 24/7/365 sad mode, I am ‘trying’ to get back to the old one. Which meaaans, yes I will blabber jabber about how the Jinnah hospital k bahar thelay walay uncle ka bunkabab will be served in my wedding ceremony along with the cone wali ice cream we get for das pandra rupay at the corner of some street (and oh, if you know where would I get that in Karachi now, TELL ME- I so wish to have it abhi)  and what else? I forgot

I just keep forgetting stuff these days. Not to mention, my final exams are going on. And ermm. Erm, okay nothing. Just pray I pass. IFFF that’s for my own good. You know, Allah mian knows best

I GOTTA STUDY STUDY AND STUDDDAAAYYYYYY. Like a nerd with those oval-framed specs in black or dark brown color and a khaadi ka kurta. On al ighter note, whenever I image a nerd in my mind, I end up thinking of a guy. And these days, make it two guys on twitter who are studying ALL DAY ALL NIGHT AND EVEN IN THE 25^TH HOUR OF THEIR DAY. Haye. Allah kamyaab karay sab parhnay walay bachon ko.

And parhai say yaad aya, what on earth is wrong with my university’s admin.

CVS + RESPIRATORY MODULE + CNS + HEAD & NECK = SECOND SEMESTER

Seriouslllyyy, wth.
just one word for them- OVER.

And I just got a call from Kisa which made me forgot what was I about to write.( SEE, I ‘FORGOT’ AGAIN) Par kher hai, it’s a Friday, so JUMMA MUBAARAK! Namaz parh lo musalmaano! -__-

and guess what? I am leaving in a while for buying cushions for the maternity home.

MATERNITY HOME pay tou blogpost honi chahye! And incase you’re wondering what it is, WAIT for that post with all shades of pink and green and what not. God help me.

I MISS TWEEEETING! I’LL BE TWEETING FROM THE EXAMINATION HALL NOW! \m/ Wesay bhi I am the first one to leave the hall at 3:30 or max 4, that is an hour earlier from the time when the exam should end. Phew. Namaazyon, dua karna pass hojaon. Allah hafiz!

Winds much strong had tried a lot,
to make it bend and drag it down.
And, somehow, they did succeed,
but never did it frown-

Or drown in any bitterness-
or on doldrums from the fate.
it only gave the shade of love,
But never it shed hate.

Then formed a bud, tiny and dwarf,
they nourished it with care.
blessing – they thought- was it then when
the petite bud got a pair.

Another bud had bloomed and now,
they all were a happy family.
with a pinch of glitz, a bit of gloom,
a handful of love, with specks of being silly.

Era a further dawned,
 and they got a gift from God.
another sprout so fine and divine,
was now, under this pod.

Its roots grew long and firmly held
within the soil,enriched with tears.
but autumn seemed to knock too hard,
And since then, rose their fears.

The too-much-bright, rays of the sun
once a pal were now no more.
they shone so bright on the life of the plant,
and in sheer brightness, a verve it tore.

The plant’s soul, it’s life and might,
was just about to fade.
the other flower, and the growing buds,
striving efforts they made,

To save the essence of what had held them together,
since the start of their ride.
but fate got cruel and callous to them.
and was a step away from smashing their pride.

The final breath, as the flower took,
silence cried on that goodbye.
as one, they had faced a million storms,
but this time, the bond did die.

Years have now passed, the plant still grows,
and grieves over the loss of the past.
it aint that strong, it aint that weak.
but for long, for sure, it’ll never last.

From green to yellow, the leaves have turned.
the flowers are just a ritual.
the thorns are long and spiky as ever.
Nothing’s the same or usual.

Sunshine seems upset on them,
and so do the plants around.
all they lost, all they earned,
no more can be found.

Still they stand, boldly facing
the sunshine and the rain.
forgiving not forgetting,
the reason for their sorest pain.

God smiles from above,
at their blameless moans.
and gives them much strength,
stronger than our bones.

Now it flies with the wind,
with its core on the floor.
for storms in its way-
it is ready for more.

it recalls the astounding time,
when it sprouted tearing the rocks.
the journey would still go on.
with the key getting its lock.

Sigh.

It’s 1:53 AM now. And its better to be the girl doing This-timecheck-is-brought-to-you-by-Sunsip Limopani  rather than allowing the over flowing dim-witted and thorny notions out of my mind into statements everyone can comprehend. But you know what? I’ll just let it out tonight, for the sake of me saving myself from a nervous breakdown. Or maybe not. Whatever who cares anyway.

I miss being positive. Or I miss the times when things went my way. Ha *insert LOL’x’*
That was long, long ago.

The little moments of joy which meant as big as a 12 storey building to me- what I was not given then but now, are indeed a blessing Alhamdolillah. But the actual big things whose worth I’ve realized when I stand here with an empty sack loaded on my shoulders are the ones I miss. And trust me, this pack is crammed with barrenness and its so light yet so heavy that in those efforts to walk with an impressive gait, I get clumsier than Bella Swan, manage not to trip but result in nothing so significant either.

Seems like those 11 pills a day I’m taking is making me human-repellant.
And well, they actually are. Or maybe its just the humans. I should stop blaming my poor lil meds now.

2:16 AM.

I honestly don’t know of what am I turning into. A victim of sheer injustice or a dissenter with a butchery silence. Drowning I am. Sinking in this quicksand that’s dribbling out lava. So it’s pretty much mordant you see.

Tere Ishq mei job hi doob gaya usay dunya ki lehron sey darna kia..
That’s what I am listening to atm. Soothing stuff. But the soot inside won’t let it do any cleansing.

I feel like laughing on my stagnant existence. No wait, I ‘am’ laughing.
Each time I go through any such thing, makes me declare it as the zenith of helplessness. BUT each new time, I am offered with something worse, YO! \m/

So keeping in mind the history, that has to repeat, I should believe firmly that this is not the end. And I know uptil now you must have gotten habitual and quite annoyed of me being so glum and gloomy everytime I end up writing something but hey, my blood group is A POSITIVE. So erm, admit it or not, positivity IS in my blood, and it has to show up someday. So for now, I’ll just declare myself ill.

Besides, I have yet again lost my original student copy of a fee voucher and tomorrow’s the last day for submission so I don’t really know what’s gonna happen next. On a lighter note, Soul of Wind, whoever you are, thanks much for the comments; but I’d be glad to know your name.

Guess that’s enough typing for my recently cured carpal tunnel syndrome-d hand.  Stay happy and grateful, unlike me! Hopefully, I’ll be back with the same old sunshine springing within, someday soon.

And oh, its 2:48 AM btw. #Kthnxbai

*waves goodbye*

You run and you fall, you try and you crawl,
but eventually you lose, and never stand tall.

Its not always about losing a competition, a designation or some worldly label all the time. There’s always much to lose. There can be a point where you can drop the best opportunity and yet win a bunch, and there can be a time where a single gesture could leave you barehanded. You can be in the limelight amongst a crowd of thousands and still be the most abandoned being existing on the planet. Or you can be the solitary soul on a derelict plain and can still own a merry heart.

At times, it doesn’t matter whether you spell LIFEISNOWHERE as life-is-NOW-here or as life-is-NO-where. ‘coz at times, spellings and perspectives and angles don’t make the slightest difference. After all, we are puppets. Reality can’t be changed. Truth is always bitter. And reality checks? Always harsh.

Once in a while, you can be alienated by species of your own kind.
Once in a while, you can chose to not give up and move on with a plan Z. not coz all others failed you badly, but because at the back of your mind, at some corner of your heart, there is a plant of hope whose bud would bloom soon.

And at times, its okay to get isolated.

At some phases in life, its okay to say no to all the erasers available and stare at your gaffes for far more than a moment because maybe, just maybe you’ll end up learning something from those phrases impressed with permanent ink on your synthetic soul. Or who knows you’ll be acknowledged by a black out once again ‘coz it was too much for your 1.5 kg’s brain to handle.

God grants you a life. Just for once. It won’t always be a one-man show but at the end of the day, it will be. You’d have to prove yourself as His epitome of perfection amongst all His creations; coz once He had labeled you as one, there are no ifs and buts. Secondly, He won’t give you more than you can handle on your frail shoulders.

And He won’t leave you alone either. Even if you do.

Who are we?
Huge bulky masses of flesh intricately adhered to skin and bones ; blessed with the masterpiece placed in our heads that controls everything we do. Consecrated are we evil creatures with angelic faces. Count me in too.

Lately I’ve been trying and trying so hard to see if the complexity of this mortal could be understood or not. I failed. Maybe it’s just the Creator who knows how are we supposed to function – just like a programmer knows of how his codes will mess around. I guess I’ll never manipulate my mind, or it may never manipulate me.

I have come across different faces of different people newly. I am traumatized of how well they can fix up of all their masks and at myself too – of how can I still be good to them. And yet reading this would make a few people wonder about who those people are that I’m referring to instead of looking at themselves and wondering whether or not is any other being being suffered by their camouflaging attitudes.

Remember how I mentioned earlier that I have started writing a daily diary? I stopped.

Uptil now you must have noticed how bitter have I gotten. (:
I didn’t want to be, trust me.
I’m thinking to give a shot to blogging again. The random shit I used to blog about each day , poetry, birthday posts, tales of my salary and what not. *nostalgic*

Which reminds me of something else too.

I started working! Joined as a teacher in an orphanage for young girls, and now, promoted Alhamdolillah (: It has been three months now. And you know something?
I HAVE TEN DAUGHTERS. AND I HEART THEM LIKE ANYTHING.

I wish I could get back the heart I used to own in my childhood. My kids make me learn of how to love selflessly. I have learned much from them. All this poison I have blurted right above gets sprinkled with honey when I think of them. They are my pills. And to tell you something, I am surviving on them these days. My health issues haven’t been quite pleasing lately, and tadaaaaa, I currently have CTS, CH, OM, DI, LI and the typhoid has Alhamdolillah gone away with the wind. As for the above, few may label me as a crybaby but dearies, go do that. I am working on not giving a shit anymore.

And its making me agitated of how the ‘few’ are being dragged in every other part of this blogpost. -.-

Annnnnnyhow,
RAMADHAN MUBARAK to all the muslims out there! (:
Lets just ask for all the forgiveness we can get from Him. I am sadly, not doing anything marvel in this month, but I may post about a few ways, simple and easy ones, through which we may lend a helping hand to someone in need. And yes, to the greedy lil monster in us, we will be getting tons of sawaab for it too!

So how are you planning to spend your Eid? Family get togethers? Social work or what? Just going all ZZzzzz at your place and enjoy a day off? I have a few plans in mind, might share it with you all, as now I prefer not to socialize much with the actual chaltay phirtay people I know. Virtual world is better. Period.

To the readers who went through this torture, Thanks much (: You guys are awesome.
I’ll be back soon, on your blogs. ‘coz I have missed y’all pretty bad. Trust me with that.

And oh, just a thing for the haters I’m expecting won’t drop by here, but if you do, that’s for you!

Bura na maan meray harf zehr, zehr sahi.
Main kia karoon k yehi zaaiqa zubaan ka hai.

We are such skillful actors. Pretending and lying is something we have learnt and practiced more than the gazillion times we breathe. At times I wonder how blackened our hearts must have been, backbiting and passing comments at almost everyone – I wonder what has it done to us spiritually.

I had always believed truth is the best weapon against every evil coming your way. But my belief has now changed. Just saying. At times you just don’t have a vision clear enough to inspect what’s right and what’s not. It’s not always that easy, but it’s never that hard either. And promises and decisions are NEVER permanent. That is the case for humans btw.

I honestly have no clue of how will I die. Y’know, when you always wish for a heroic death with people crying their hearts out coz they are not ready to accept your depature and they know they will miss you for long and you’ll be remembered in good words – and that never happens or maybe that does coz not every dream has to die someday.

It’s okay to fall, coz that’s when you learn how to get up –IF you do.

It’s okay to fail too, coz failures prevent you from being proud n pretentious.

Some battles have to be lost to win a war. But backing off is what loosers do.

Do you know about the two moments when you can feel all the peace of the world? It’s when you get down on your knees and bow your head against the floor and close your eyes. That moment, when you can hear yourself breathing and can feel your heart beat at a continous pace without any hiatus- that moment, when you know that no other power in the world except your God has blessed you with all of this, and its no other than Him who can still hear you in your deepest silence. What can fear you once you’re under His shelter? He loves you still. And He always will.

Your mother’s lap. The coziest refuge that stands second on the list.

The fence and railings around are blowing another life in that soul. A different one this time. Its getting cold but its fiery within. It may melt the stones but never your heart. Dampening didn’t help, maybe its time to melt and then burn and see along the corner how it all turns to ashes. Maybe the heart has already stopped beating. Maybe its just like yours now. Or maybe its not. Maybe it can never be that way. But one thing, you must know.

The rebel is in the making.
It will be too late.